It's Coming, Stupid Statement Rehab

In the past few years, it has become a fairly common occurrence to hear stories about well known public figures; actors, singers, TV personalities, and politicians, winding up in rehab due to alcohol and drug addiction. Some of these public figures actually stay in high end rehab facilities long enough to get genuine help. While others may hang around long enough to spin doctor their public image.
In recent times a new twist has entered the fray. A public figure makes a damaging stupid statement, and shortly thereafter enrolls in a rehab clinic for an ongoing addiction. Some of the moves may have been due to a wake up call. Others a part of a cynical spin doctoring scenario. But what of the public figure that makes a stupid statement and has no addiction to fall back on? The answer is stupid statement rehab. Yes my people, it's time. Time for stupid statement rehab.
Imagine this exchange taking place at Oops Inc., the nation's no. 1 stupid statement rehab clinic.
"Come right in and have a seat, sir. I believe I know who you are. But we have to put this on record. Please state your name and occupation."
"I'm Jake Long, and I'm an actor and stand up comedian. I played wacky Uncle Leo on the sit-com Benny's Place."
"Yes. I watched that show. You were great."
"Thank you."
"Now let's get to the nature of your stupid statement."
"Well, I was at a comedy club trying out new material. I made a disparaging remark about a gay black female talk show host. I thought it was funny. But it didn't go over so well. And some sneaky bastard caught it on his cell phone. And then all hell broke loose."
"Oh. That's a three peat. You offended women, blacks, and gay people. That's going to take some work. First, we'll put some writers on your sincere heart felt apology statement. Then it's booking the appearances on the morning news shows and syndicated talk shows where you'll make a tearful apology. In your case, we'll have to book you on black, gay, and women oriented cable talk and magazine shows.
"And of course, there's the de-stupification process, conducted by experts in the field. So. For what we have to do for you it'll initially run you around 72,000 dollars."
"What? Isn't that a bit steep?"
"Mr. Long, stupid statement rehabbing is not an easy task. And it's not cheap. Plus, once all this has died down, and some new scandal takes center stage, your name recognition will be way up. You might land that next big Uncle Leo type role."
"Yeah, I suppose that's true. Who should I make the check out to?"

Baseball Been Very Very Roid to Me

Well, it’s spring time and sports fans are turning their attention to the beginning of the baseball season. Back in the day fans worried about their favorite team’s chances to win the division, make the world series, or at least improve on the previous season. Now fans wonder what high profile superstar will become embroiled in a steroid scandal. Last year it was Roger Clemens, who like Barry Bonds, had remarkable seasons for a player late in his career.
This year it’s A-rod, who is not exactly at the end of his career, more like in his prime years. But considering all the recent tabloid stories about Madonna, strippers, madams, and hookers, he may have needed the steroids just to keep his energy level up.
There are probably only two ways to possibly handle the steroid situation in baseball and remove the stain of scandal. One way would be to come up with an all purpose test that could detect all performance enhancing drugs.
The second solution would be to make steroids and the rest perfectly legal, despite the potential long term health-related consequences.
Of course, if steroids were legal it would be okay for announcers to incorporate roid banter into the broadcast.
Picture this radio broadcast exchange.
"There’s one out, and here comes Billy Breakfast to the plate. He steps in batting at .215. Here’s the first pitch. High for a ball."
"You know, Billy is a prime example of a guy the roids have kept in the majors," the color man said. "He has twenty home runs, and 50 RBIs, but he’s only hitting .215."
"The next pitch is swung on and missed. The catcher must’ve been crossed up on that pitch. He’s going out to talk to his pitcher. Getting back to Billy and the steroids, in half a season he’s struck out 115 times. But boy, when he connects with the ball it really flies."
"Not to mention, he has a huge head. He looks like an alien from a Star Trek movie."
"We’re ready to go again. Here’s the pitch. Billy swings and hits a sky high pop up. That baby is way up there. The third baseman has a bead on it. Oh, the wind’s got it. The catcher and first baseman go after it. The ball drops between them. Breakfast is on second with a wind blown double."
"Now that was really a wind blown steroid hit."