Saturday, March 20, 2010

Tiger's Back/What About His Body Language?

The big news this week is that Tiger Woods is coming back from his infidelity-sex addiction rehab exile from golf in time to play in the Master’s tournament. I suppose it’s great news for die heart golf fans. Even better news for CBS, the network that will broadcast the event. Ratings should go through the roof. People will be glued to their sets to see if Tiger wins, comes close, or is so out of whack that he will start hooking balls into the trees. Being far from a golf on TV fan, I don’t know how much of the spectacle I’ll view.
One typical aspect regarding the scandal ,other than alleged mistresses coming out of the wood works for their fifteen to who knows how many minutes of fame, was when Tiger finally had his press conference, magazine shows had so-called body language experts on their shows to interpret the real meaning behind the words Tiger was saying.
Great! Or is it? I’m not saying body language reading doesn’t have its place, but it seems to me that these public figures caught up in highly stressful unfamiliar situations, might react like people caught up in highly stressful unfamiliar situations, thereby skewering their body language reactions. But what do I know? It’s just that seeing these interpretations all the time can be a little annoying.
Ah, but I have a solution. Hire body language experts to interpret the body language of the original body language experts.
That’ll work. Or will it?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Bitching About "Customer Service"

In the era where cell phones and related devices can do everything but vacuum the floor and brush you teeth for you, there is one aspect of the technology age that actually falls short of the old school way. And that's when you have to contact the phone company, banks, or businesses with a problem you have to address by phone. In the good on days, you would call these people up, and actually get a real live human being.
But of course, no more, no more, no more. It's the dreaded automated menu that comes up. Now, it's bad enough when you used to get only one menu. Now you get the pleasure of wading through sub-menus. Hit the wrong button by chance, and you're forced retrace your button pushing steps, taking up even more of your precious time.
If your quest requires speaking to a real human being you can get there, but only after Mr. or Mrs. Automation attempts to steer you away from it. Even then, no matter how early or late you place the call you get: "our representative are busy right now, please hang on."
As if that's not bad enough you either get the pleasure of listening to the most annoying elevator style music ever, or mini commercial about the company's great services, other than their so-called customer service.
I've sat and pondered how we can possibly get out of this situation. Then it hit me. After years of waiting for Jetson style technology we finally got camera phones and web cams. So it might be possible that we'll soon get robots and androids that can answer phones like real life human beings. Then, and only then, will customer service really be customer service.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Late Night Wars to Cage Match/ Let's Do It!

Anybody who has turned on a TV set in the last few weeks has witnessed the Late Night Wars brought on by Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien committing the worst TV sin of all; getting unsatisfactory rating.
The great NBC plan was to announce O’Brien’s take over of the Tonight Show ahead of time to avoid the scramble that occurred between Leno and David Letterman when Johnny Carson stepped down. Oops Oops Oops
But then came the bad ratings and NBC’s questionable plan to reshuffle the line up, causing O’Brien to publicly balk in a big way. Then Letterman jumped into the fray because he just couldn’t resist.
The monologue jousting has ranged from funny to vindictive to just kind of creepy. Some, like me, would say it’s a case of rich guys bitching over turf and how richer they can be or become. The way network television works in a highly successful day time or late night show can reap huge profits because of the frequency of its airing and its low production costs. So there are untold millions of dollars available to the stars of these shows. Leno and Letterman have already cashed in. But poor Conan has to settle for a paltry 30 million plus buy out settlement. How will the man eat?
I think it’s time to stop the yak yak yakking and get to some action. And I, good people, have the answer. A no holds barred WWF style wrestling cage match between Leno, O’Brien, and Letterman with the proceeds going to charity.
They’ve already done the pre-match trash talking so all that is needed is the nick names and costumes. Jay “Dr. Chin” Leno dressed like the Purdue Boilermaker mascot that he resembles. Conan “Gumby” O’Brien dressed like Gumby. And David “The Avenger” Letterman garbed in super hero tights and cape.
There would be a size, height, and age difference between the combatants. But since its be a cage match, you could sprinkle the ring with equalizes like chairs, bottles, and slabs of lumber spiked with nails.
The last man standing would be crowned King of Late Night and the entire matter would be put to rest, thank goodness.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Tiger Woods Saga; Hoocies Gone Bad

Sadly, the Tiger Woods saga continues. Enough mistresses have come forward to almost field a lingerie football team. A lot has been said about Tiger's tarnished image. But wait! I have the same feeling about mistresses. It used to be if you compensated and treated them well they remained loyal and kept quiet. But alas, hoocies have lost their integrity.
I suppose you can't blame them in today's world of the hungry media monster that constantly needs to be fed. With instant fame knocking at the door they're all to willing to say:
"Oh yes. Here I am. I was with Tiger. I did him. How could he resist? Look at this. Look at me."
I suppose you can't blame them. There's famous for nothing money to be made in the form of selling your story to tabloids, photo spreads in men's magazines, and maybe an appearance on a dumb-assed reality show.
Down the line, if they go on to have a family, they can show their kids the DVD of news and magazine show reports about their proudest moment.
Well, maybe not.

Hoocies be squawking
Hoocies be talking
Hoocies used to have class
But that's in the past
I'm a bad poet
And I know it

Monday, November 30, 2009

Super Bowl Half Time Show; More Old White Men

Am I the only one to notice that since the infamous Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction incident, the half time Super Bowl acts have been all about, well, old white men more likely to have a bowel malfunction that one of the wardrobe variety?
Let’s see, there was Tom Petty, Paul McCarthy, and Bruce Springsteen. I’m getting old myself, I may have missed somebody. I suppose they all met the criteria for half time acts. Long term success, and millions of loyal fans. But then again, so does Janet Jackson, and several other female singers under the age of sixty.
I suppose the NFL can tolerate large sweaty angry men knocking the crap out of each other for three hours white attempting to move an oblong leather ball up and down a hundred yard field. But they draw the line at condoning anything overtly sexual sullying their good family entertainment game. Well, other than hot young women in skimpy outfits cheering their hearts out for their favorite home team. Not to mention their big boobs and shapely butts.
It’s the sexism of the choices that bothers me most. If the acts have to be over sixty, why can’t they be female? Cher is someone that comes to mind. Although in her younger days she had a penchant for wearing outrageous outfits to award shows. I suppose she could be talked into wearing a non-malfunctioning outfit like a zip up leather jacket, leather pants, and boots.
Tina Turner is another act that would fit the bill. She still had great legs, so we shouldn’t ask her to cover them, but she could wear a strait jacket type top to guard against malfunctions.
Tina has such a raspy hard-edged speaking voice I think she could do a good job narrating for NFL Films. Couldn’t you just hear her saying:
“It was a warm 72 degrees inside the noisy domed stadium when the Green Bay Packers met the New England Patriots with the NFL championship hanging in the balance.”

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

About President Obama & The Nobel Prize

Early in the morning I had a revelation concerning the furor over President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Loud voices from all over proclaimed him not worthy of the honor. I say even if he doesn't deserve it and won anyway, so damn what about it. Being a black man, not wanting to bring up race, but doing it anyway, I say white people get stuff they don't deserve all the time, and nobody makes a big deal out of it. But let a black person, or any minority do it, then there's a big hue and cry against it. People yell and scream, point fingers, call for rule changes, want to form a committee to study whether to form a investigating commission. I say stop it. Stop it! Stop it!
One of the beauties of American is that by hard work, luck, or circumstance you can acquire stuff you don't really deserve. In the 21st century, if we are truly striving towards equality, then all races, creeds, and colors should be entitled to stuff they don't deserve.
And for you people that constantly bitch and moan about what somebody else is getting, direct they energy toward something you want, and you too might get stuff you don't deserve.
Enough said. I'm out.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Can We Call A Dumb-ass A Dumb-ass?

Can We Call A Dumb-Ass A Dumb-Ass?

In the world of news stories that fly at us at a rapid fire pace, two stick in my mind. The most recent deals with grade school kids singing a revamped song in praise of President Obama. Some parents were concerned that this could be seen as brain washing. This story comes on the heals of parents being concerned about President Obama’s broadcast message to school children. They were worried about it being political in nature.
I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but folks, these parents baffle me. The tie in between songs and brainwashing. Don’t see it. Makes no sense to me. Dumb-assed.
Having qualms about the president’s message to school children without having prior knowledge of its content, also dumb-assed.
It could be possible that these “concerned” parents are of the ultra conservative persuasion, and just wanted to throw stones into the public discourse.
Anyway, the dumb-assed syndrome is hardly new. Decades ago when the Equal Rights Amendment was being proposed its opponents threw out warning that its passage would result in women being drafted into the military and being expected to engage in front line combat. And worst yet, be mandated to use co-ed bathrooms. At the time there was no indication that any of those measures would result from the passage of the ERA. Yet there were guests on news and talk shows who insisted this would be the case. I can’t recall a host or anchor ever saying the insinuations were stupid and outlandish, and yes, dumb-assed.
Why the silence by the media? Well, it could be because they feel the need to stay impartial during their hosting and anchoring duties. Or better yet, there is so much air time needed to be filled, that if they began offending the stupid and dumb-assed they may be left scrambling for guests and content to put on the air.
Ah, but my fellow Americans, I have a solution to this monumental problem. A dumb-assed alert. We have TV weather warnings. Parental discretion warnings for mature content. We need the same thing when an obvious dumb-assed story is about to be reported. A buzzer could go off, and a flashing superimposed “dumb-assed story” crawl could be positioned at the bottom of the screen. This would ease my, and many other people’s minds.
Mass media. Are you listening?